Relationships define you

I was talking to Alli yesterday (Yaniv has been auditioning for a spot at Michigan's prestigious conducting school, so I needed to find other outlets) while making dinner (see a very good receipe below) and inevitably we fall on to the topic of relationships. I think this is because Alli and I share a similiar world view that practically the most important thing you can know about a person is what relationships they are in. And not only romantic ones. Family and friends are just as important, although I think we would both agree that romantic relationships tend to be the most visible. I'll avoid the distraction of justifying that, so take it as you will.

The most vivid example I can think of if you want to know if someone has had their heart broken. This tends to be a defining moment in one's romantic endeavors. On a side note, I was at this random little bar in Brooklyn called the Galapagos, to watch two tiny Asian girls rap and play the violin, and the act before them was another asian girl, a little plumber and subsantially more butch, who read a poem. Or I guess performed spoken word. Either way, one of the lines in the poem was "so you got your heart broken in college. who hasn't. get over it." That's a paraphrase, but one that I think captures the sentiment perfectly.

There is a difference between dating someone who has and hasn't had their heart broken. Maybe they are a little more guarded, a little less quick to fall in love. I know Alli would at first bemoan this loss of innocence, but I think she would eventually agree with me that a little discretion with whom you fall for is a good thing. There is a wide world of difference between falling in love with ten girls every minute and closing yourself off so entirely that you don't fall when that perfect someone comes calling. Whatever way you slice it, I think you can neatly carve the world into two halves: the halves that have had their hearts broken and the halves who haven't.

Another common example is the rebound. Speaking of love, this is not the girl you want to fall in love with. (For men or women who may be reading this that happen to prefer men, I'm sure all of this applies perfectly the other way. But this being mine and Yaniv's blog, and women are our frame of reference, I'll just stick with my gender distinctions.) When you start dating someone, a good piece of information to pull out is when their last relationship was, when their last fling was, who they've been dating, and so on. Alli and I diverge here. She thinks just to dive right in and ask. I prefer a slightly more subtle approach, to find out these tidbits more organically and over time.

I'm getting a bit distracted from the main point though. We both think that who "you" are is defined primarly by your relationships. Of course, "you" do things, are from somewhere, have a job or are a student or neither, hobbies, places you've traveled to, and lots of other good things that are important pieces of your life, but nothing, bar none, will tell you more about a person than the relationships they have been in.

I would tie this thought into child developmental psychology. Have you ever had the experience where you meet someone's parents and think "wow, that explains a lot!"? I think people tend to define themselves either as like their parents or not at all like their parents. I haven't ever heard "I'm kind of like my parents." You either want to be like them or you want to distance yourself. Children, the impressionable things that they are, are often influenced by their parents as they grow up. That's the nature v. nuture debate. While this is very important, the reason I classify it below romantic relationships is that the above process is not really under your control. You don't choose your parents or your family. You can choose to be close to them or not, which is very defining, but completely different from choosing to get involved with a girl.

The receipe.
Make this dish. It is great. Chicken or tofu work equally well, and spinach can be replaced with any sort of vegetable you desire.

Chicken and Spinach Curry
Saag or Sag Murga

This curry mixes the flavours of chicken and spinach and it goes well
with tandoori roti or nan or chapatti. This recipe can be used for
meat, fish or prawns too.

• 1/2 pound/person chicken pieces of your choice (or tofu to your liking)
• 200-300 gm spinach leaves, chopped. Frozen spinach can be used
• 200-250 gm or 4 medium onions, peeled
• 1-2 tbs, dry methi or fenugreek leaves, soaked in a bowl of cold water
• 30 gm ginger (11/2 inch), peeled
• 20 gm. (4 large cloves) garlic, peeled
• 2 red or green chillies (adjust to taste)
• 400 gm tinned or peeled and chopped fresh tomatoes
• 2 tbs. olive or other cooking oil
• 1ts.black cumin seeds (shahi jeera). Ordinary cumin can be used.
• A large pinch of asafoetida (heeng) powder
• 2 tsp. coriander powder
• 1 level tsp. turmeric powder
• 1/2 tsp. chilli powder (I use cayenne powder)
Also, add fenugreek and some ground cumin. I toss in a little curry powder as well, to get some of the random spices in the pre-mixed powder.
• Salt to taste
• 1/2 tsp. gaGaram Masala

Instructions
1. Mince onions, ginger, garlic
2. Heat oil in a pan.
3. Add cumin seeds (I also use mustard seeds) and asafoetida powder and let the seeds splutter.
4. Add onion, ginger, garlic mix and fry until golden brown.
5. Add chicken/tofu and stir fry on hot until nicely brown on all sides.
6. Add all spices except garam masala and stir fry for 1-2 minutes, until spices give out a nice, roasted aroma. (for spices, I go heavy and just use the ratio of 2/1/.5)
7. Add tomatoes and mix thoroughly.
8. Add spinach (vegis) and mix thoroughly.
9. Check and adjust salt and spices.
10. Turn heat off, sprinkle garam masala.
11. Serve with hot Nan or Tandoori Roti or Chapatti.

As always, the longer the curry sits before eating the better. And it will always taste better the followind day for lunch!